After all this time I decided to take this secret out of the closet. It's hard to hide something this big for so long and I really don't see any point in hiding it anymore. After all, this is a very big part of me and it's my choice to let people know or not. So I sit here on October 31st, 2001, writing this new page about my son who was born on this day.
People make mistakes, especially when they are young. I am no exception to this. At a very young age I found myself pregnant. We don't need to go into details here, none of that is important. I was pregnant and scared to death.
Naturally my parents were very angry and offered no help. They all but kicked me out of the house. They wanted to hide me away from everyone they knew. What would the neighbors say??? So I ended up at a home for unwed mothers that was run by the Salvation Army. I wasn't there very long. I was having panic attacks then but didn't know what they were. I got to go home as long as I went up there everyday to go to school. I had to be very careful not to let anyone see me. I wish I had the nerve then that I do now. Things would have been very different.
As the months went along, I became sick. I got toxemia, a poison in the blood that raises the blood pressure and even kills some women. They stuck me in bed at the home (they had an ancient hospital there) and I didn't get out of that bed for anything for over a month, except for the time I snuck down the hall to see what I looked like from the side in the glass doors. My brother was banned from seeing me because he made me laugh and it raised my blood pressure.
The baby was due on Thanksgiving but the toxemia was so bad they decided to induce labor. This was at the end of October. The first day was unsuccessful and nothing happened. The next day all hell broke lose and to make a long story short, my son was born at 3:36 pm, October 31st, 1973.... on Halloween.
From the time I knew I was going to have a baby I also knew I would not make a good mother. Some people just aren't cut out for that. Some people just aren't the mother type. So I thought long and hard about it and realized the best thing was to have him and put him up for adoption. I knew it would be hard but it was better than possibly becoming a bad mother because I can get pretty angry sometimes. Anger and tempers run in my family and I needed to break that chain. I knew he would be better off with parents who could provide for him since I was so young and on my own. I still believe I did the right thing.
While I was still in the hospital part of the home I could hear him crying down the hall where they put the babies. I could just barely see him through the old blinds on the window. The night nurse was asleep. Once the girls make up their mind what they are going to do there is no going back but for some reason I was able to talk them into letting me hold him just once and I'm so glad I did. I tried to feed him but he was so sleepy. He weighed 7 pounds and 7 ounces and was 22" long at birth. I will never regret holding him and will have that image of him in my mind for the rest of my life.
Handing him over to the adoption people was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, still I don't regret it. I can only hope that he has had a good life so far. I hope he is healthy and happy. I think about him all the time.
So, today, like every other Halloween for these past years, I have a cake for him and good wishes in my heart. I will light a candle and pour my love into it. I will do this every year for as long as I am able. I hope one day he will look me up... all my information is out there if he should decide to.
Happy birthday, my Halloween baby. I love you, I wish you all the best and send you all my love.
I hope you understand why I did what I did.